I have NEVER been a person who has ever found the ability to journal for a prolonged amount of time. By that, I mean for more than a few days. Like most preteen/teenage girls, I went through the phase many times of having my parents buy me diaries and journals, especially the high-tech ones that were voice activated and all the rage back in the early 2000s. I made a promise to myself that each time this would be different, only to discard the journal days later. No amount of colorful pens or pretty journals could hold my interest. Fast forward to last fall and an assignment that forced me to keep a spiritual journal. Like my previous attempts, I told myself that this was going to be different and even bought myself a nice journal and pens to encourage myself to take it seriously. But like many of my classmates, I soon found that this assignment fell to the back burner. As the date quickly approached to hand in our journals, I went back as best as I could to fill in what I was feeling on those days. Even as a homework assignment, I still couldn’t get journaling to click.
Back in October, my country coordinator and one of her friends had suggested that I try journaling as a way to help process this year. YAGM is an experience, for some, that is quite challenging and normal coping mechanisms and processing methods don’t always hold up. I took this bit of information and threw it to the back of my brain in the box with other things that I’ve tried that just haven’t worked. Just before our first retreat in December, I tried to take this to heart though and tried once again to journal as I began to work through heavier stuff discernment wise. But like so many times before, I quickly lost interest.
About a month and a half ago, Pastor Kirsten, my country coordinator, posted our reading list for this upcoming retreat and alongside the ELCA social statements that we were reading, she wanted us to finish Rising Strong, by Brené Brown. I had finished it just after our first retreat and was not the biggest fan of the book at all! But I figured I’d give it another go because I had plenty of time to work through it again and I’m really glad I did. In that second reading, I was in a different place mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Because of that, I gained new insights, had some minor revelations, and received some pretty significant affirmations from her words. One of the biggest things that came from this second reading though was the sudden urge to write, and write a lot. So I pulled my journal out and was amazed at what was coming out and how with each word that I wrote, a small weight was being lifted from my shoulders. It was strange, but I slowly felt like I could breathe again.
Rising Strong, by Brené Brown; one of the quotes that moved me to start journaling
At first, it was easy to confront the things that were finding their way to the page. It was usually things that I had already been vocal about with others or were things that seemed easy enough to handle and process. But it soon got less fun. I even remember telling my best friend here, Bryn, that I wasn’t having fun anymore and that it was getting more and more difficult to keep going. I wasn’t liking the things that were coming up and the feelings that came along with that. But the strange thing was that I wanted to keep going. I wanted to see what else I had buried away that was slowly making it’s way to the surface. The whole experience reminded me of something that Pastor Kirsten wrote in a post called The Struggle, and the Learning, Are Real, “…struggle comes in waves, that sometimes it feeds on other struggles and sometimes one struggle will push another more latent struggle to the raw surface.” I saw this happening as I worked through one thing while journaling, some deeper issue, concern, struggle, or emotion would push its way forward that I hadn’t even had on my radar. As I pushed myself to address each thing that came to the surface the harder it got to want to continue to do the hard work. But, the more that came up, the more I wanted to show up and do the work to figure it out, or at least begin to figure it out.
So what have I learned over this past month?
- You can’t force it – I think journaling is something that needs to be organic to be helpful and is something that depends on where you are at in life. For me, every time in the past that I’ve tried to force it, I’ve almost immediately lost interest and quickly deserted my journaling efforts. This time I listened to what my body and spirit were telling me. I felt an urge to write and saw what it did to me when I followed through. I continue to see the impact that it’s had on me over this past month and the ways in which it feeds something within me to keep going.
- Journaling doesn’t solve the world’s problems or even your own – While there are some problems that I’ve been able to work through while journaling, there are some that no amount of journaling is going to fix or solve. There are some things, just based on their nature, that are too big for you to solve on your own. And there are some things that just won’t ever be solved or fixed, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something to gain from wrestling with them.
- Journaling can bring some significant clarity, if we let it – Looking again to Pastor Kirsten’s post, our problems and struggles come “in waves, [that] stirs our beings, [that] disrupts our souls–yet [they] can bring us new life and new clarity if only we will listen and let [them].” Struggles and problems that we face are hard, that’s just part of their nature, but they have incredible power beyond that. If, and when, we are able to find the courage and strength to confront them, there is so much they have to teach us about ourselves, others, and the world around us. The clarity that comes from the confrontation is invaluable. I wholeheartedly think it’s worth it to wrestle and maybe even dance with problems and struggles.
- Your thoughts and feelings are valid, even if they seem completely irrational as you confront them and write them down (shout out to Bryn for this nugget of wisdom) – I started journaling after a handful of experiences that left me questioning myself. I was questioning the validity of what I was thinking and how I was feeling and was left completely lost. There’s a reason that we think and feel what we do, whether or not these thoughts and feelings are rational. Something within us makes us react in different ways. Just because someone else sees things differently or tries to tell you that you shouldn’t feel that way or are feeling the wrong things, doesn’t take away the validity of what you are thinking or feeling. In each of these things, there is something deeper leading us to think or feel a certain way that others can’t control or necessarily understand.
- There is incredible value in designated personal space – Speaking from personal experience, there has been incredible value in writing something just for me, rather than being concerned with what others will think. My natural tendency is to people please and that leads me to worry about the reactions of others. I’ve seen this manifest in many ways, especially when it comes to my writing. But in having a place to write and work through things knowing no one will ever see it, the pressure to perform or meet a certain standard is suddenly gone. Being able to sit and get things out without worrying about what the other person will think helps me to just be honest about what I’m thinking and feeling. It helps me get to the root of things quicker than having to worry about judgment or being a burden to others. A huge thing that I’ve noticed is that I’m at a better place mentally than when I was when I started journaling, which is reinforced when I look back at the things I wrote a month ago.
- You have space and time to articulate your thoughts and feelings – It has been helpful to know that I can work through and clarify things a bit before bringing them to other people. It gives me time to find the most articulate way of addressing what I’m feeling or thinking. Within conversation, I have the tendency to take more time and formulate what I am going to say, rather than just firing off my first thought. I refine it a bit and tend to be very careful and precise with my choice of words. But, when I’m working through struggles, that all goes out the window and emotions take over. So to have a space to allow the messy bits to come out where no one will see them is comforting.
- It is the most reliable form of processing – While it is beneficial and many times necessary to work through things by talking with another person that can’t always happen. Schedules, distance, and life, in general, make that difficult. To journal, the only schedule you have to make work is your own. If you’ve decided to make it a priority, then it’s really simple to set aside time. It’s also really easy to jot down notes throughout the day of things you want to write about later. My brain is super scattered ALL the time recently, something that is new to my usually organized brain and a new phenomenon that I’m not quite used to yet, so I find myself doing this a lot. Something will happen that will spark a thought that’s connected to something that I’m working through and if I think it’ll be helpful then I’ll quickly jot it down for later. I’ve been lucky to be able to process things a bit with a handful of amazing people, but there are times where for whatever reason it doesn’t work out to connect with them. When those instances come up, I know I can go to my journal and begin to process.
- Grace is key – Grace for those around you. It’s easy to play the blame game when we are processing things, specifically struggles. We can point a finger at everyone else because it’s easier than taking a hard look at ourselves or the situation. But we have to recognize that everyone has their own story and things that they are struggling through too. Grace for yourself. Working through some of the things that have come up have made me realize how little grace I have for myself. I am quick to beat myself up because I almost always fail to reach the unrealistic expectations I have set for myself. It takes time, patience, and practice for grace to come, but it will eventually. I think it’s important to remember that everyone is doing the best they can, as Brené Brown points out in Rising Strong, and that includes you!
Over the past month, I worked through a lot of heavy stuff and continue to do so each day. I’ve learned a lot about myself through this journey and have found a lot of clarity, although I know there is still a lot of work to do. Seeing this progress pushes me to keep going to see what else is waiting to be seen. For this season of my life, journaling is something that has been an invaluable tool of processing and has become a large part of my journey. It’s helping me to bring to life new parts of myself and allowing them to grow, while gracefully allowing other parts to die or re-form into something different. While it’s a hard process at times, journaling is one thing that I’ve learned is worth the time, the heartbreak, the patience, the vulnerability, and the hard work.
My journal, which was a graduation present from an amazing seminary friend, Kayla! ❤️🐝 I didn’t think I’d use it but packed it anyway and I’m really glad I did!
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